So, this episode was going to have to happen sooner or later – how driving transforms me into this raging, judgmental, intolerant, impatient monster barely able to constrain my craving to claw someone’s face off. As my teeth clench I have visions of a huge hammer flattening the desultory car impeding my ability to drive as fast as I want. As I call their genetic lineage into question and criticize their inability to drive at least the speed limit, I’m trying to find any way around them before I grind my teeth to nubs.
I mean, really, why can’t a person at least drive the speed limit? Okay, I know, I can hear the comments now: “You are so mean. Don’t you know some people are just trying the best they can?” Yes, I do know that and yes, I am mean. Why do these folks that are struggling with maintaining the speed limit have to cavort around in the passing lane? I know some people are struggling – some due to age, some due to drug abuse, pick your poison – why can’t they stay in the “normal” lane?
I have tried to calm down and just roll with it like some of my friends are able to do. I’m actually fairly good at this until I get on the road. Why can’t I just slow down? Why do slow drivers blocking my acceleration aggravate me so? These are good questions and I would love to know the answers. When I was a front passenger in a car driven by one of my more relaxed friends, I literally had to look out the window and close my eyes for fear that my left foot would find its way over to the accelerator and impatiently stomp down. I think I may need drugs. Weed, maybe? Clearly , there is something wrong with me.
Why is it that passing lane drivers can’t find the gas pedal while in front of me but when they finally move over to the regular lane they suddenly speed up? Hell, if they could go that fast why weren’t they doing it while in front of me? And drivers at stop lights who are apparently too engrossed in their phones to realize the light has turned green. Why don’t the drivers immediately behind them honk their horns? No, we sit in a politely quiet line while the lead driver is oblivious to the light turning green then when s/he realizes the light is green s/he quickly makes it through then leaves the rest of us behind. FYI – if I am directly behind the lead driver there will be honking. Hell, no. Why do drivers who are being honked at act like YOU’RE the one in the wrong and frequently flip you the bird? BECAUSE THEY ARE OBLIVIOUS TO THEIR OWN BEHAVIOR OR don’t give a shit about how their behavior impacts you or anyone else.
Why is it I can be driving down a single lane with NO ONE anywhere around me but the car needing to pull out will wait until I am almost on top of them then slowly inch their way out into the road? WHY IS THAT?!? There are so many things wrong with that: why couldn’t they have pulled out earlier? If they didn’t feel they were up to the flow of traffic (me) then why couldn’t they wait until I had passed? Hello? I try to imagine what that person’s thought process must be like but all I come up with is a flatline. For the judgers out there, I’ll beat you to the criticism: maybe they were so distracted because of some trauma they were dealing with or maybe they have dementia and no one realizes how bad it is yet or maybe they were high or drunk and had the processing speed of a snail.
You dk how much I wish I could be that relaxed driver going 55mph in the regular lane but just imagining that makes me want to peel my face off. I’m just not a 55 mph kind of gal and I’m perfectly fine with those that are as long as they aren’t trying to do that in front of me in the passing lane. I understand that if I am in the slow lane aggressively driving up someone’s bumper is rude and I refrain. However, if I am in the passing lane and the car in front of me has ignored multiple opportunities to get in the slow lane then I feel it is incumbent upon me, as a representative of the train of cars behind me, to create a bit of pressure. The problem; however, is many drivers with this particular pattern have no clue of the 15 cars piled up behind them. They are too consumed with their phone, talking to passengers, or maybe playing the day’s events lazily through their mind. Regardless, I’m convinced they wouldn’t notice a nuclear blast detonated 25 feet behind them.
So I will try to leave earlier, expect the lovely traffic drama, and attempt to reach my destinations without having a stroke, needing a face graft, or popping an aneurysm.